Ramblings
I’ve been reading through my old journal from one year ago, which is when I was at my worst point in my eating disorder. Just reading how sad, angry, anxious, and confused I was makes me realize how much better I really am doing now. I was TERRIFIED of gaining weight. I am now weight restored. It is still hard to accept this body, but for the most part, I am learning to be okay with it. I was in the hospital crying while having to pick out my meals for the day. Now I regularly eat three meals a day without purging and without necessarily having to plan ahead. I don’t feel the need to immediately punish myself after eating every morsel. I don’t spend hundreds of dollars a week on food to just purge. I work and I support myself financially. I am not happy, but I am more or less content.
Raw With Love
little dark girl with
kind eyes
when it comes time to
use the knife
I won’t flinch and
I won’t blame
you,
as I drive along the shore alone
as the palms wave,
the ugly heavy palms,
as the living does not arrive
as the dead do not leave,
I won’t blame you,
instead
I will remember the kisses
our lips raw with love
and how you gave me
everything you had
and how I
offered you what was left of
me,
and I will remember your small room
the feel of you
the light in the window
your records
your books
our morning coffee
our noons our nights
our bodies spilled together
sleeping
the tiny flowing currents
immediate and forever
your leg my leg
your arm my arm
your smile and the warmth
of you
who made me laugh
again.
little dark girl with kind eyes
you have no
knife. the knife is
mine and I won’t use it
yet.
I have come such a long way in the last year. I know I complain about my struggles sometimes, but seriously, compared to where I was last year, I am doing so well. It’s hard to be proud of myself, but I really am. This time last year I was just admitted to the hospital for what I thought would be a few days, but ended up being over a month, followed by months of more treatment. It was exhausting and difficult, with lots of ups and downs, but overall, I am in a much better place. I still struggle on a daily basis, but I am aware and trying to make positive changes. I didn’t think I was capable of happiness. Now I know it does not come easy, but have hope that it’s possible.
Ramblings
Why is recovery so hard? I love my job. I love my boyfriend. I love this city. Why are these urges getting so much stronger now that I’m so much happier?
Today I went to Whole Foods to get lunch. I started putting food from the hot food bar into a box. At some point, the amount and types of food I put in the box turned from being the healthy lunch I had planned to get to “binge food.” I knew I couldn’t eat the food without purging, so I just left it on a store shelf when nobody was looking. I feel bad for wasting the food, but l do believe it was the best thing I could do for myself because I avoided bingeing and/or purging.
I’m a lucky one.
Good guys exist. I met my man eight months ago when I was in a partial hospitalization program, so basically I was in therapy nine hours a day. I figured he would just think I was crazy, but it didn’t scare him away. I’ve been open with him since the start, and he still loves me.
Today was not the best eating disorder wise, but I’m feeling thankful.
I also got a book about using alcohol and eating to cope with depression. Hopefully it’s somewhat helpful or interesting.
Ramblings
I just made a dentist appointment because I found out I can get cheap dental care at my school. I’m scared for it. I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure that exposing my teeth to hydrochloric acid 429873485 times a day was not good for them. I’m ready to try to treat my teeth (and body and self) better though. So we’ll see what the damage is. Hopefully it’s not too much.
Blech. Other than that…I’m still kickin’. Things are up and down as usual, but I’m getting by. I feel super insecure in my body though today, and just very aware of how my weight has increased since going to treatment. It’s getting hot and people are starting to wear summer clothes, but I just want to hide my body in big cozy sweaters.
Also, as I was writing this, I realized that it’s been almost exactly a year since I was first hospitalized and forced to face the fact that I do have a problem. It’s still such a struggle, and I hope it gets easier, but at least I’m doing better than I was a year ago.
Ramblings
I always look forward to the rare hours that I have to myself when I am not in school or at work. Then I start thinking, and over-thinking, and I wish I was at school or work. Staying busy makes it easy to avoid feelings. I’m doing well in recovery behavior-wise, for the most part at least. I just wish I could handle being alone with myself without getting so anxious.
Ramblings
Sometimes I think I will never be able to live without some sort of addictive behavior. It’s been a week and a half since I’ve binged and purged. I really wanted to do it tonight, but instead I stole some of my roommate’s whiskey. I can’t “recover” from an eating disorder and become an alcoholic. That cannot happen. I need to get my shit together.
HOW DO PEOPLE FUNCTION WITHOUT BINGEING, PURGING, RESTRICTING, DRINKING, OR ABUSING OTHER DRUGS?
Ramblings
I’m just having a really hard time right now. I wish recovery was a straight shot upwards and that everything would just get better, but it’s still so unstable. Something stresses me out, and I instinctively revert to eating disorder behaviors, and it usually takes me a while to realize it. Then I step back, look at where I am, and try to get back on track. I’m trying to get back on track. It’s hard.
Ramblings
Sometimes I disappear for a while. School and work are kicking my ass. I’m back, for the moment at least. I was doing really really well with the whole eating thang…I didn’t b/p for a month, but then the last couple days I’ve been struggling. BUT. I’m going to stop b/p’ing. Tomorrow will be day one, and I WILL GET IT TOGETHER. B/P’ing after not doing it for a month feels so crappy. Like my head hurts, and my heart pounds when I move at all. Health is better.
