I’m just really fucking depressed.
I’ve been doing well, but I’ve slowly been starting to restrict more and more over the last few weeks, and it’s so fucking hard to eat enough. And I have all these urges to binge and purge, which I haven’t done in more than two months. And ugh fuck. I hate my love/hate relationship with food. I love food, but I hate how much I love it, and I hate how much stress I feel when thinking about it.
I know I am definitely not with the majority on this, but it’s hard to read tweets about wanting to “blow this kid up” and stuff because I look at him and I see a kid, even younger than I am, and I think what the fuck went so wrong with him.
I am extremely relieved he’s been taking into custody to be subject to legal justice, but I know vengeance never brings peace to the victims of violence.
It is so sad reading such hateful comments about wanting him to suffer. Responding to violence with violence just makes more violence. I too am relieved that he is in custody. I am glad that there is some closure, and that the residents of and around Boston can feel safe again. These brothers made some bad decisions, but they are humans. The whole thing is just incredibly sad.
Is anyone else really anxious about everything going on in and around Boston right now? I’m on the west coast, so I know I’m not in danger, but I still keep thinking about it and checking the news to see whats happening. I keep randomly crying thinking about the people injured or killed, and their families. And last night I had some awful nightmares about it. I can only imagine how difficult it must be for people who are there, and who have witnessed the awful things that have happened this week. Sending much love to them all.
I have been doing really well since stopping seeing my dietitian and individual therapist. I am now sure that I made the right choice in stopping treatment. Those appointments were just another burden and another reminder of the fact that I’m not doing “recovery” right. I’m making progress on my own. I have been eating when I’m hungry and not counting calories or obsessing too much about it. I weighed myself today for the first time in weeks, and my weight has stayed the same, even though I’ve consistently been eating quite a bit more, which makes me think that it’s not that important for me to get to the weight goal that my dietitian had for me. I think that for my sanity and the sake of feeling physically well, it’s more important for me to listen to my body rather than force feed myself just to gain weight. I know that might not be a popular opinion, but that is definitely what is best for me in this moment. I generally do believe that weight restoration is important in recovering from an eating disorder, but my weight is not severely low, and I feel good, and I’m eating well. I think that if I’m able to continue eating normally, with time as my metabolism does it’s thang, my body will find it’s healthy weight.
I know everyone has different definitions of recovery, but I actually, for the first time, consider myself to be in something more or less like recovery. It’s weird. I haven’t purged in probably two months, and I don’t think I’m restricting in calories. I have foods that are more anxiety provoking that I generally stay away from, but I haven’t even wanted those anyway.