This is going to be long and most likely boring, but hopefully therapeutic for me to get out. I need a job. I’m moving to a new city with no job and just a few bucks to help me get by for my first couple of weeks there. I’ll be close to my Love though, and I absolutely cannot wait to live closer to him. I will just be living with a roommate who I’ve only just met in a small apartment. He’s nice, but I don’t anticipate us becoming friends. Things have just been so up and down lately. One day I will be feeling pretty good and excited to move, then the next I’ll be feeling completely depressed and suicidal and sure that things will not work out. Things have to work out though. They have to.

This is the first time I’ve ever been in love. I never thought that someone could love me in this way, or that I would love another person in this way. I never thought I would feel this comfortable with another person. Since restoring weight, I never thought I would ever be able to let another person see my body without feeling completely embarrassed and ashamed, but with him, I feel loved and comforted and accepted. I thought that being intimate with another person, letting him see the body that I’ve hated for so long, including the scars scattered all over it, would make me feel too vulnerable to handle. But I just love him so much. All of my insecurities seem to melt away when I’m around him. I can say and do stupid things. I can be silly and embarrass myself, or be serious, open, and honest and expose myself completely and still feel okay about myself. I love him so much, and it is very possible the best feeling I’ve ever experienced. I never thought that I was worthy of receiving another person’s love. I don’t even fully understand what I’m feeling, I just know that it feels good and comforting, and I had not felt good nor comforted in quite some time before meeting him.

To have the most amazing man in my life. Seriously, how did this happen to me? I’ve never loved anyone like this before, and it is truly the most amazing feeling. I never thought I could be loved! I never thought I could let go of my insecurities enough to open up to someone and accept that I am worthy of another person’s love. But when I’m with him, I can let go completely and enjoy the moment. My body weight, shape, and size don’t matter, my scars don’t matter, none of the things that I perceive as imperfections matter even a little bit because he loves me regardless. I met him at the perfect point in my recovery process, and he has been so incredibly supportive throughout. Cliche as it sounds, it’s true that you can’t love another person until you love yourself….or maybe accept yourself would be more accurate. I don’t believe I’m there yet as far as loving myself, but I am working everyday on accepting myself, my flaws, my past decisions, and my future potential.

Today started out really shitty. I binged and purged for the first time in quite a while, and I felt absolutely awful afterwards, but I’m trying to end the evening on a positive note. I am thankful for the loving man in my life, and for all of the progress I have made in recovery. A year ago, I thought I would never be able to go a day without bingeing and purging, and now, even though I slip here and there, I know that it’s possible for me to go days, even weeks at a time without bingeing and purging. I’m starting to find hope in that my life will not always revolve around my eating disorder.

I kicked some eating-disorder ASS today.

BAM!

I’m feeling good today. I’m moving in a few days, and I am so excited. I’ve been absolutely miserable since moving back home because I crave independence. I’m ready to live on my own, and this time hopefully do a better job of taking care of myself. Last time I moved out, it didn’t go so well. Great, I’m on my own to binge and purge all day every day. This time will NOT be like that. I’ll also be closer to some of my really good, supportive friends, as well as my wonderful boyfriend. Financially…we’ll see how it works. I am stressin’ about money. But, at least this time I won’t be spending hundreds of dollars a week (in loans, or charged to a credit card that I’ll now be paying off forever) on binge food! Sometimes I do feel like it might be even more tempting to give into my eating disorder when I’m living on my own…but I have to remember that being at an anorexic weight did not make me happy.

• I am happier. I’m not always happy, and I still struggle, but overall, I am much happier.
• If I relapse, I will have to gain the weight back if I want to recover and regain my life. Weight restoration is difficult to cope with, and I don’t want to go through the process again. Refeeding is miserable. 
• I have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me at a healthy weight.
• I am able to stay more present and focused.
• I am able to enjoy myself with friends rather than constantly thinking about food and weight.
• My worst days now are better than my best days in my eating disorder.
• I don’t want to be hospitalized. It hurts my family to see me in such a weak state.
• Life actually feels like it might be worth living, and I don’t go to bed every night hoping I never wake up.
• At my lowest weight, I still wasn’t satisfied with my weight, and I have a feeling I would have died before getting low enough. Why bother going back there? That’s not how I want to die.

What are your reasons to recover/stay in recovery?

Hooray for internet. I realize that none of my followers noticed that I haven’t been on tumblr for a while…but hey, I’m back. And life is actually okay. I’m closer to contentment than I’ve been. I’m in love, and it feels good. I’m doing more or less okay as far as taking care of myself and staying on the path to recovery.

Work is tiring. I’m only working 20-30 hours per week, and I’m always exhausted. How do so many people survive working full-time and still have the energy to be social and carry on with other responsibilities?! And soon I’ll be starting school too. Yikes. Maybe productivity will get easier with time, now that I’m much more nourished. I hope! A year ago I couldn’t work or go to school because of my eating disorder, and now I’m getting ready to take on both. I’m not recovered fully, but I’m functioning.

I really really didn’t want to go to therapy this morning. I went anyway and cried the entire time. Sometimes those are the best and most necessary sessions.

why is everything so overwhelming and recovery so hard?

Sometimes I think about how long I’ve struggled with disordered eating and start to feel extremely discouraged. I know I’ve come a long way though, and I have a long way to go still.

Sometimes I disappear for a while. School and work are kicking my ass. I’m back, for the moment at least. I was doing really really well with the whole eating thang…I didn’t b/p for a month, but then the last couple days I’ve been struggling. BUT. I’m going to stop b/p’ing. Tomorrow will be day one, and I WILL GET IT TOGETHER. B/P’ing after not doing it for a month feels so crappy. Like my head hurts, and my heart pounds when I move at all. Health is better.