I had a dream that I gained 12 pounds in one week and freaked out. I’m so glad I’m done restoring weight. Maintaining this healthy weight, however, is not easy…but it has to be worth it, somehow.

I’m trying not to kill myself, but also trying to kill myself at the exact same time.

I’ve always valued independence. I grew up being very independent. I have three siblings and a single mother. Instead of coming together as a family to overcome our difficult situation, we all became very independent. I just wanted to take care of myself without troubling my already stressed mother. I just wanted to disappear and not be a burden on others. I wanted to believe that I was strong enough to overcome anything on my own. Now, with my eating disorder, I’ve really just wanted to overcome it on my own. I now realize that it is not possible for me to overcome this without help, although I do still stand firm in that I do not need my family’s help. I need a therapist, doctor, dietitian, and some good friends, but when it comes down it, I’m the one making the changes, not them.

So. Here’s the situation: Now that I have a boyfriend who I am so incredibly grateful for, I have been doing much better in recovery. I’m in this conflicted place right now because I don’t want my recovery to depend on him. But it’s not wrong if I’m pushing myself in recovery because of him, is it? I mean, it’s not just because of him, it’s because of us. It’s for myself and how wonderful he makes me feel. I just want to feel like I would be able to maintain a stable recovery even without him, and right now, I feel like I would just crumble without his support. I don’t know what I’m saying. Does this make for an unhealthy relationship? An unhealthy recovery? Or is it completely positive that I’m using his support and love to help me maintain recovery.

I just confused myself…and I’m sure if anyone started reading this, they got lost. It’s okay.

This is going to be long and most likely boring, but hopefully therapeutic for me to get out. I need a job. I’m moving to a new city with no job and just a few bucks to help me get by for my first couple of weeks there. I’ll be close to my Love though, and I absolutely cannot wait to live closer to him. I will just be living with a roommate who I’ve only just met in a small apartment. He’s nice, but I don’t anticipate us becoming friends. Things have just been so up and down lately. One day I will be feeling pretty good and excited to move, then the next I’ll be feeling completely depressed and suicidal and sure that things will not work out. Things have to work out though. They have to.

This is the first time I’ve ever been in love. I never thought that someone could love me in this way, or that I would love another person in this way. I never thought I would feel this comfortable with another person. Since restoring weight, I never thought I would ever be able to let another person see my body without feeling completely embarrassed and ashamed, but with him, I feel loved and comforted and accepted. I thought that being intimate with another person, letting him see the body that I’ve hated for so long, including the scars scattered all over it, would make me feel too vulnerable to handle. But I just love him so much. All of my insecurities seem to melt away when I’m around him. I can say and do stupid things. I can be silly and embarrass myself, or be serious, open, and honest and expose myself completely and still feel okay about myself. I love him so much, and it is very possible the best feeling I’ve ever experienced. I never thought that I was worthy of receiving another person’s love. I don’t even fully understand what I’m feeling, I just know that it feels good and comforting, and I had not felt good nor comforted in quite some time before meeting him.

I’m really freaking out right now. I started birth control a couple of weeks ago, and I feel like my appetite is going crazy. I’m sure I’ve gained weight since starting it because I’ve been eating so much, and I feel much bigger. I’ve resisted weighing myself, but I know that when I do, it will be upsetting. I’m scared because I have been doing pretty well in recovery, but since I’ve been eating more, I’ve had more urges to binge and purge. I feel so uncomfortable and fat from eating so much. I can’t keep eating like this. I moving out to live on my own soon, and I don’t want to get into the cycle of constantly bingeing and purging because I know it would be really easy to do.

To have the most amazing man in my life. Seriously, how did this happen to me? I’ve never loved anyone like this before, and it is truly the most amazing feeling. I never thought I could be loved! I never thought I could let go of my insecurities enough to open up to someone and accept that I am worthy of another person’s love. But when I’m with him, I can let go completely and enjoy the moment. My body weight, shape, and size don’t matter, my scars don’t matter, none of the things that I perceive as imperfections matter even a little bit because he loves me regardless. I met him at the perfect point in my recovery process, and he has been so incredibly supportive throughout. Cliche as it sounds, it’s true that you can’t love another person until you love yourself….or maybe accept yourself would be more accurate. I don’t believe I’m there yet as far as loving myself, but I am working everyday on accepting myself, my flaws, my past decisions, and my future potential.

Today started out really shitty. I binged and purged for the first time in quite a while, and I felt absolutely awful afterwards, but I’m trying to end the evening on a positive note. I am thankful for the loving man in my life, and for all of the progress I have made in recovery. A year ago, I thought I would never be able to go a day without bingeing and purging, and now, even though I slip here and there, I know that it’s possible for me to go days, even weeks at a time without bingeing and purging. I’m starting to find hope in that my life will not always revolve around my eating disorder.

I kicked some eating-disorder ASS today.

BAM!

I’m feeling good today. I’m moving in a few days, and I am so excited. I’ve been absolutely miserable since moving back home because I crave independence. I’m ready to live on my own, and this time hopefully do a better job of taking care of myself. Last time I moved out, it didn’t go so well. Great, I’m on my own to binge and purge all day every day. This time will NOT be like that. I’ll also be closer to some of my really good, supportive friends, as well as my wonderful boyfriend. Financially…we’ll see how it works. I am stressin’ about money. But, at least this time I won’t be spending hundreds of dollars a week (in loans, or charged to a credit card that I’ll now be paying off forever) on binge food! Sometimes I do feel like it might be even more tempting to give into my eating disorder when I’m living on my own…but I have to remember that being at an anorexic weight did not make me happy.

I feel so alone. I hate this feeling. I was surrounded by friends today, which I haven’t done in a while, but I still feel a deeper loneliness. Loneliness is probably one of the most uncomfortable emotions for me to feel. When I’m lonely, I usually want so badly to binge, purge, cut, and/or drink. I won’t though. Being around old friends today actually helped me see how much progress I’ve made. One of the friends I saw today, I hadn’t seen since before going into treatment. Honestly, for years before going into treatment, my life was just a blur. I was never present. I always remained very detached because if I let myself be present, I knew I would break down. That’s why I’m glad I was hospitalized and went to treatment. I hated it in the moment. It was the hardest, most frustrating thing I’ve ever done. Sometimes I still hate this idea of recovery and just want to say fuck it all. But giving up isn’t an option, and getting help was necessary. I was given a safe place where I could break down, which allowed me to eventually come back and rebuild a life for myself. Now my goal is to make this a life that I live, not one I watch pass by.

Hooray for internet. I realize that none of my followers noticed that I haven’t been on tumblr for a while…but hey, I’m back. And life is actually okay. I’m closer to contentment than I’ve been. I’m in love, and it feels good. I’m doing more or less okay as far as taking care of myself and staying on the path to recovery.

I feel so fat. I hate saying that, but it’s so much easier to put all of my emotions behind the word “fat” and then try to control that than it is to actually face them all. I don’t know what I really feel…inadequate, I guess. I feel needy, and to me, that is the worst feeling ever because I prefer to deny that I have needs, but I do have needs, and I deserve to have them met. I need to keep pushing through this. Recovery isn’t a straight shot to health and happiness. There are a lot of ups and downs.

Work is tiring. I’m only working 20-30 hours per week, and I’m always exhausted. How do so many people survive working full-time and still have the energy to be social and carry on with other responsibilities?! And soon I’ll be starting school too. Yikes. Maybe productivity will get easier with time, now that I’m much more nourished. I hope! A year ago I couldn’t work or go to school because of my eating disorder, and now I’m getting ready to take on both. I’m not recovered fully, but I’m functioning.

Is it ever wrong to state how you feel? Sometimes I feel like expressing my feelings is unfair to other people because my feelings might hurt or worry them. I know I shouldn’t feel guilty for feeling sad about something, but I feel guilty for saying that I felt sad about it. Does that make any sense at all? I guess I just always want to protect others at the expense of not expressing myself.