I’m sitting with it though, not not not purging. This is stressful.

I was talking to my mom and I started to black out, so I just awkwardly sat on the floor while we were talking and kinda of spaced out for a minute. Then I had no idea what we were talking about. When my brain came back, I realized I was on floor, and said that it was because my back was cramping up. Weird because I’VE BEEN EATING SO WELL. I’ve been eating enough calories and not purging. Maybe not getting enough fluids? Maybe my meds are screwing with me. I don’t want people to see me passing out and assume that I’m not doing well because I really am doing so well! I ate waffles with peanut butter for breakfast this morning.

Why is recovery so hard? I love my job. I love my boyfriend. I love this city. Why are these urges getting so much stronger now that I’m so much happier?

Today I went to Whole Foods to get lunch. I started putting food from the hot food bar into a box. At some point, the amount and types of food I put in the box turned from being the healthy lunch I had planned to get to “binge food.” I knew I couldn’t eat the food without purging, so I just left it on a store shelf when nobody was looking. I feel bad for wasting the food, but l do believe it was the best thing I could do for myself because I avoided bingeing and/or purging.

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